something about the 1987 tape…

by codenamehkproject

there’s no turning back.

As told by my mom at the very beginning of the tape, it was recorded in the year 1987. I was supposed to be 3 years old but since I answered my mom on the tape that I was 2 years old, I guess it is recorded between Jan – Feb 1987. I discovered the tape when I was 10 and since then I never stop crying when listening to it. The tape was made due to my family found out I kept silent all the time and wonder if I was having any problem during my development. They were afraid so since my cousin are autism.

The content of the tape was basically my mom keeps asking me various questions, about my family, about my living place since then, about my dad’s interest on camera. I can hear from the starting of the tape that my dad was supposedly to be helping my mom to do the recording. However I wonder if my dad still remembers doing so at that time. It is supposed to be recorded in my old home in tai kwok tsui. I got a big family since then and altogether there are nearly 15 people in the house. The old house is later sold and I was moved to taipo then. However I still keep recalling the good old days in the house.

I got emotional towards listening to the tape because I find it is so strange to listen to my own voice in the child days. It feels like as if the same person within different timeline meets face to face. Sounds like a time travel, huh? Especially when I listen to the tape, I just cannot deny the fact that I was no longer that child in the tape; after years I was shaped the current ‘me’ and there is no time machine in the real world that can bring me back to the old days. I cannot change the history and there is no turning back.

I do not know if the feeling/perception of the recording will be changed if the medium was changed to picture or a video. Nevertheless I do not think my family can offer such a video camera at the period of time. The cassette tape keeps me focus on my voice in the old days, that childish murmuring gives me an impression that how innocent I was at that time. My memory on such a cassette tape, or as such recording that was made on this medium, path me a linkage between different ages of me. Every time I try listening to this it feels like that current me was trying to make contact with me at the 2 years old. I am sort of like trying so hard to tell the old me that never regret on anything I do, and no matter what do not afraid of grown up.

It is a mixed feeling since I wish time can be freeze in my childhood days but yet I know time moves on.